Strategies for the Teenage Years

Teenage Girl holding a rucksack

Life with teenagers can sometimes feel like a constant battle of wills. For teenagers on the autism spectrum, the situation can often become even more complicated.

Members of the Talk about Autism community offer practical advice on how to tackle a range of issues in a positive way, so that you and your family can all benefit.

“We just don’t seem to be able to talk about anything.”

Choose your moment

If you’re both feeling angry and frustrated, it might be best to wait until the heat of the moment has passed before you try to talk about the problem. Find a quiet time, with no distractions, when you are both feeling relaxed, and talk through the issues.

And relax

Try and take the time to do something together that you know they enjoy, it might be easier for them to open up and chat once they are relaxed.

Empathise

If you know your child is having a particular problem, talk generally about your own similar experiences. Many people with autism have particular difficulty imagining what other people are thinking (see Simon Baron Cohen’s essay on Mindblindness (MIT 1997). Sharing your own feelings can really help them to realise that they are not the only person in the world who is experiencing difficulties, and perhaps they will be more able to ask for help when they need it.

Hanging around

Take notice when your child is hanging around you. It might be your cue that they want to start a conversation. A few leading questions at a key moment, could help them to start talking about a problem.

“She will lie on the floor to avoid doing something I have asked.”

Try and see it my way

Put yourself in your child’s shoes, and think through all the issues that may come into play when you are asking them to do something. Are there any sensory issues? Are they feeling anxious? Are you giving them time to finish what they are doing? Your child might have a natural tendency to non-conformity, but it is important to look at the social and environmental triggers which cause them to refuse to cooperate in some circumstances.

Be clear

It sounds simple, but poor communication can be a real problem. Make sure that you are clear about what you need your child to do, and check that they understand. Make sure you aren’t using idiomatic language, such as ‘get your skates on’, and use literal language instead ‘we need to leave now’.

Listen carefully

If your child is refusing to do something, they probably have very good reasons and these should be taken seriously. Show that you want to understand their reasons, and to find out what the problems are.

Offer choices

Some things just aren’t flexible, but for the things that are, try offering choices about what needs to be done, in what order, and by when. Allowing your child a greater level of autonomy can reduce the pressure points, and build up their independence.

“I try and stay away from 'don’t, won’t and can’t’ and focus on what I do want him to do instead. It helps to keep things positive.”

Put the control in their hands

Try using the ‘First, Then’ technique. First do this, and then you get that. The idea is that if they follow the request, they get a reward (for example 5 minutes on the computer or watching a favourite television programme) and if they refuse, then they get a consequence without you having to step in and discipline them. It puts the control in their hands. That is the control to follow the request or to decide if they want the consequence or not.

Lighten up

Try making a joke of the situation. Tell them to do the opposite to what you want them to do and if they do it, then you can have a laugh about it together. Humour can be a good way in to start talking about the issues in a fun, calm way.

“It’s as if he does the exact opposite of anything he is asked to do!”

Find their motivation

Reward and consequence tactics work well with children who are motivated. Match the rewards to what motivates the individual. For example, when their room is tidy, they can call her friend to invite them over. Give your child a choice of rewards and find out what really works.

Accentuate the positive

But what if your child just doest seem the blindest bit bothered about any consequences? Take every opportunity to reinforce good behaviour. Catch them doing something right and reward that with lots of praise and perhaps a treat. It can be good for their confidence too.

Make it easier for them to succeed

If the issue is keeping their room tidy, make it easier by giving labelled boxes for her to keep her stuff in and to make it easier to tidy up. With a clear place for everything to go, it will be a less of a daunting task.

Think different

So your teenager hates shopping? How about agreeing a list of what they need, and a budget, and letting them choose from a catalogue or online.

Write a timetable together

Sit down together and write a timetable for the week, including chores and fun tasks - in that order! If they’re on board with the planning stage of the timetable, they’re more likely to follow it...Visual timetables are so helpful for children with autism, but can be used at all ages too.

“There’s no ‘quick fix’ or magic solution. But with firm clear boundaries and being completely calm and consistent you will see an improvement over time.”

Avoid negative labels

Consider carefully whether it is useful to use negative, medical labels such as ‘pathological demand avoidance’. It is so important for your child’s emotional security to know that you will support them, and be consistently positive about them and their potential.

Celebrate the positives

Maximise your child’s individual strengths. Concentrating on their weaknesses could make them worse by bringing them to exposure and focus, and causing further anxiety. Try to create as many opportunities as possible to allow your child to do things they are good at and enjoy.