Experimenting with girls clothes.
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 13th April 2010
at 16:59
Hi Michelle
Welcome to the group. I was originally thinking this might be a sensory issue as my son only likes clothes of certain materials, simply because a lot materials, labels and hemming techniques are unbearable against his skin, but then you mentioned the perfume and make-up, although this could also be sensory if he likes the smell of these things when you and your daughter wear them. Have you had any conversations with him regarding this or has he made any remarks about it?
I think though that perhaps you should seek some professional help with this one and speak to your GP in the first instance for guidance on where to go for some more detailed help.
I am sure some of the others will also pop in with their thoughts on this. Do let us know how you get on and if there is anything else we can help you with.
Josie - Community Champion
Posted by
bumblebee
on 13th April 2010
at 17:19
Hi Michelle,
I know of another 13 yr old boy with ASD and ADHD who did something similar and it really worried his parents too. I can only tell you what they did in the hope some of it may help you and your son.
They have tried a few things, the first was to explain that although they were not angry and they understood it gave him a nice feeling, that it was not ok to take the clothes etc.. - focusing not on the act of dressing up and liking perfume etc, but focusing on taking the items that didnt belong to him. I know this isnt the issue, but it can help address it and make a starting point to begin a healthier way to express these wishes....They constantly assured him that he wasnt bad or naughty, but they were going to teach him another way to get this feedback...(can't think of a better word!)
They put locks on theirs and his sisters bedroom doors and not only stopped wearing them when he could see, but also stopped leaving these items out in view...this helped with the impulsiveness of wanting to take them. They also got a book about how his body was changing and about the feelings he was having...these were pretty descriptive and really should have as many pictures as possible to help with understanding, but they really need to be. They also taught him that when he was in his room, that was his space to do what made him feel comfortable and if that was to have materials etc that felt silky, they would take him out and allow him to choose his own from the boys section of the shop... there are also aftershaves there that he may like and they could be just for him and kept in his special box.....
I would imagine his body is changing and his hormones are giving him some really confusing feeings right now...I have heard so many mums saying they think their son who has ASD is gay or bi-sexual or a cross-dresser and if they are, then in my opinion they should be supported regardless, but I also worry that there seems to be some sort of cross-over with gender identity and ASD and naming these behaviours is not necessarily helpful.... not that this is the issue here, I'm just rambling!!
Another very common problem with our children especially teens is depression and I absolutely would take Josie's advice and seek help ASAP for this...although I would personally be a little reluctant to disclose the other details to a GP or another non-autism specialist for fear they may add 1 and 2 together and make 5! (if you know what I mean!) DO you have a Paediatrician you can speak to? I am so sorry I cant be more helpful, I know just how distressing it is to see your child go through periods of depression as I have a 14 yr old daughter with Aspergers and an anxiety disorder. Her mental health issues have impacted her life (and ours) in a massive way that cannot be underestimated...please get back in contact if you need to chat more......
Claire - Community Champion
Posted by
bumblebee
on 13th April 2010
at 17:27
Hi Michelle,
Just one more thought, does your son have any older male role models? If not, are there any male family members who can spend some time with him doing activities that he enjoys and chooses? If not, there are mentors at our social services disabled children's team it may be helpful to try there......I remember reading raising boys a few years ago...which isnt really relevant as my son has ASD so doesnt really follow typical developmental routes, but one thing it said was that boys look to older males to learn how to be male....I thought they meant that boys needed fathers and I know of many (including my husband) who was raised successfully just by his mum from a very young age so I disregarded it as rubbish...I wonder if they didnt mean this at all though and what they meant was any older male be it brother, uncle, teacher mentor etc....what do you think?
Claire - Community Champion
Posted by
bumblebee
on 13th April 2010
at 17:45
Are child and family services expierienced in working with children with ASD? If they are, you should be fine to talk it through with them...also if you try some things before hand, you may find some methods that work....I understand it is tough when your child refuses to discuss things...I have tried asking my daughter for advice before for another (make-believe) child who was doing x, y, z and these things were similar to what she was doing...she didnt click that I was getting her to talk and felt empowered offering advice for another child...
Could you start with explaining you know of a boy who is feeling very sad and confused about things that he is doing and doesnt know how to talk to people about it? Maybe you could ask for advice on how his mum could begin to talk to him about these things...your son can only tell you things from his perspective, so it will only be relevant to him and he just may give you precisie instructions on how to approach this with him??
Claire - Community Champion
Posted by
bumblebee
on 13th April 2010
at 18:17
No Problem at all,
I can only draw on our expieriences of how hard it has been for us getting through the past few years with our daughter and that has been pretty tough so please keep asking questions and chatting with the others too as the support I have got from other parents has truly been a lifeline during those really hard times...stay strong and I'll keep thinking of ideas to try...I'm sure the other people on here will be on to give you some advice this eve or tomorrow....
take care :0)
Claire - Community Champion
Posted by
Leanne
on 13th April 2010
at 18:22
Hi Michelle,
What is making your son so sad about this ?? Does he think it is wrong or that he shouldn't be doing it.I am of course referring to the dressing up not the taking of other peoples possessions which is of course wrong If this is the case where is he getting the disapproval from.. you can get male makeup, handbags etc and there is an infinite range of male beauty products.Alot of the alternatives bands wear makeup etc.
What if he does a 'mood board' depicting clothes etc that he would be happy wearing and take it from there. It could be that he wants to be more expressive about who he is etc .. or that he wants to wear female clothes and its finding the right outlet at his age with out any negative feelings.
As you said, its a really confusing time for them finding their own identity. I am sure he will take his lead from you and the more accepting you are of whatever is happening the better he will be . Good luck :)
Leanne - Community Champion
Posted by
damo73
on 13th April 2010
at 20:40
Hello all,
Many years ago, I was friends with two brothers, who in hindsight were certainly on the spectrum. The younger of the two, I remember only ever talking to me and his brother + even then he was a man of very few words. He dressed as a Goth/Rocker (early 90's) with eyeliner + his name was Marcos. One day we were sat in a park staring into space and he said to me 'I have decided that I want to be a woman and be called Marilyn from now on'. The last I heard he had moved to Blackpool to go through the whole procedure etc.
I have also heard other such stories and the suggestion from some that some ASC people can be more inclined to address these feelings + thoughts as they do not internalise the same social norms and taboos as others or in the same way + more likely to break social rules. Sexuality can be an odd thing to get one's head round for someone on the spectrum. I have always been a heterosexual, yet I like comfy clothes that don't draw attention to myself (rather than silk - that might) + I probably find female company, on the whole, easier to cope with. In some ways I have rejected many parts of male culture and masculinity, yet did not link sexuality to this - this rather felt authentic, my own + not just due to conformity. I also understand the generational difference - once my late grandmother said to my mum that she was turning me 'gay', when as a child I went up to my mum to give her a cuddle! Living with multiple social stigma's cannot be easy, yet for some unavoidable - yet can be rewarding too - Michel Foucault was one of the greatest philosophers of the 20th century - he was also gay and disabled. It can give people a very good position to analyse society from!
I know I haven't been of much help here - just pointing out that it seems not to be uncommon.
Damian
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Posted by
Wilks
on 13th April 2010
at 16:47
I am really hoping to get some advice about how to help and support my son. Due to his sensory problems he has always favoured silk pyjamas. No problem. However, a few years ago he started taking things silk from both mine and my daughters room, for example night dresses, tops etc. There was still no problem, we didn't mind at all. However, in recent years he has been taking all sorts of clothing from our rooms and more recently make up and perfum.
I don't want to make it a big issue, I know he is embarassed about it and he only does it in the privacy of his own room, but he is 13 now and for any child this is an extremely confusing time. He is suffering very badly from depression at the moment and I really want to do the right thing and say the right things to him. But what is that, what do I do, who do I go to for advice, how do I support him...please help. I love him to bits and I don't care about him dressing up, its just breaking my heart to see him so sad, even more sad than usual. Thank you.