What a Week!
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 19th August 2010
at 12:40
Hi Hayles
What a terrible time you have had!!! I remember those days too! I wonder why the TNT man wouldnt let him help with the parcel? Was it fragile or did he think it was too heavy for him? I sometimes found it really frustrating when Tom was younger (and still sometimes today similar situations occur). Tom tends to blow up if something that one person lets him do, another does not and this is basically because he doesnt understand why people have different rules for the same tasks. An example is that one time in B&Q he was allowed to scan the items I bought and the next time he assumed he could and got into trouble because it was a different till operator.
Do you think the root of all this upheaval is because his dad is away at work? Have you tried having his dad leave him a written set of rules/instructions and an agreed reward system for adhering to them while he is away? It would be best to have tiered rewards so that if he doesnt follow one of the rules he gets a portion of the reward system and doesnt lose out altogether for otherwise good behaviour.
The rewards dont have to involve expenditure; they could start with having his favourite meal at the end of week and progressing to watch a DVD and a final top reward of a trip to the park or some other trip that you know that he would enjoy and work towards.
I think it's all important to reinforce that destructive behaviour is not acceptable. My son finds it hard to remember verbal instructions but certainly does better with visual ones. When he was younger I had a laminated sheet with four visual aids for no hitting, no kicking, no swearing and no biting in a form similar to road signs with, for example, a picture of a foot kicking someone and a red score through it with the words "no kicking" underneath. This worked much better than constantly verbalising these rules. Tom also struggled with bedtime routines and getting up in the morning and again preparing a visual list of the steps he needed to take proved very successful. Perhaps you could do something along these lines and see if that works better for him.
Are you able, once he calms down, to discuss what happened earlier today. Will he be able to tell you why he was so angry and will he discuss the situation with you and recognise that his reaction was distressing for you and not acceptable behaviour? My son sometimes knows that he went over the top and can accept that he shouldnt have been so aggressive, but other times he is adamant that the situation warranted his reaction!!!
Josie - Community Champion
Posted by
Snowdrop
on 19th August 2010
at 13:53
Hi Hayles
Sorry you are having such a bad week, my son is 5 and if he ever starts to kick off, I immediately remove him from the situation by making him go straight to the 'naughty step' or to his room and then I ignore him until he calms down. I was wondering how you react when your son initially kicks off, is there an opportunity for you to try and get him to go to his room or something before it escalates into a worse situation?
I think Josie's ideas of visual rules is a really great idea and the reward system too, it always amazes me how Dylan can suddenly carry out a task he doesn't want to or get over a strop very quickly if he knows there is a reward he wants waiting at the end for him!
Take care
Tracy - Community Champion
Posted by
Snowdrop
on 19th August 2010
at 13:54
Sorry Hayles, just another thought, do you cross off the days on the calendar as they pass so your son can actually see its getting nearer to the time Daddy will be home?
Tracy - Community Champion
Posted by
Hayles
on 19th August 2010
at 13:58
Hi Josie,
The tnt bloke was just being awkward, there was nothing fragile in there & it wasn't heavy. You hit nail on the head though, with your comment about how he does it once & thinks he can always do it. Mark loves to collect the post & any parcels, he knows when there to big & he can't manage them & is happy for me to carry. He likes to sort the letters/parcels into whos who. He's always done it. I'm not allowed to open a letter/parcel with Daddy's name & vice versa if for me.
Yep pretty sure its down to Daddy being away working & all change. He is use to having Daddy all to himself for at least minimum of half hour a day if not longer. They do Boys things, things that I can't do so Mark says cos I am a girl. LOL. Like playing racing cars.
We have the visual board which details our daily activities. We have the 10 min timer. We have the sticker charts with different things on & cut down. We make big of the positives. What we don't have is the No kicking, hitting, magnets. So defintaly a good idea shall speak to Daddy about making some. We have visual boards for getting up in the morning & going to bed. Everything has to be done in particular way. Even making breakfast, lining up his bowl, cup, cereal, spoons, milk & inhaler. We had to sort it so he could have his own pint milk to make it all himself. Its a strict routine & if you mess it up or he makes a mess, its a disaster.
Yep he calmed down from the anger & then breaks down into floods of tears & you have that for a while. He then tidies up any mess he made. Writes me a note which usually says, 'To mummy, I am sorry. I love you. Mark xx heart shape xx But like your son sometimes he can understand what he did & that he went over the top & knows Mummy is sad. Other times he doesnt & its everyone/everything elses thought. He is right & rest are wrong & he laughs.
We are now sat together, hes curled up beside me cuddling Mini ma & sucking his fingers watching a film. I have so much I should be doing, but don't want to move him. So just sat on sofa with laptop.
Hayles x
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 19th August 2010
at 14:33
Hi Hayles
Yes, Tom is the same with mail and wont let one person open someone else's mail. He is the same with the mobile phones and loses the plot if he sees me with his brother or sister's phone in my hand!!!
It looks like you are well organised with your charts and routines and that's brilliant. You just cant always make provision for every possible eventuality and I think once they get to the point of no return there is nothing that can be done until it blows over and then a calm discussion is the only way to go.
I think it's great that he acknowledges what has happened and its just wonderful that he writes you those little notes.
Dont be worrying about housework.... we have to grab these little special moments when they come and enjoy them.
Josie - Community Champion
Posted by
Hayles
on 19th August 2010
at 14:50
Hi,
He has his own Calendar, a Dr Who one, which we have stickers & we use to show when a event is going to occur, whether it be Daddy going away, Us going to Grannys house, etc. He then crosses off the days with a pencil, he then continues to cross them off why the event occurs. We also talk & do drawings to show what is going to happen.
Mark will take himself to his room & play music to calm down. However if there is anything in his way it gets thrown or hit out at & you get the verbal abuse to. Its like a light switch going on, he just flips & like a light switch being turned off he stops with the anger & will either end up in floods of tears & its a Very sad cry or he will go to sleep with his music playing.
He's fallen asleep on me now.
Hayles x
![SiftGroups.com [opens in a new window]](themes/zen/treehouse/images/siftGroupsLogo.gif)
Posted by
Hayles
on 19th August 2010
at 10:29
I am wondering what wil be broken next & just waiting for!
Mark is struggling this week & the weekend was such a lovely one. We actually managed to get to a Pub & have lunch in the garden.
We have broken chair, cups x 2, Bowl, Toys. etc. We had a tnt driver turn up & Mark was stood by the door. The bloke asked for help to take the parcel. So Mark offered to take it. The bloke said no, so we had shoes thrown from the show rack & a chair thrown in the direction of the bloke. Then he stormed off to room slamming doors & throwing things in there. Had to explain to the Bloke about Mark, his responce slap him.
Daddy has gone away to work & we have done the stories to tell Mark was is going to occur. We have shown him on calendar & counted down the days. We have prepared him as much as we could. Daddy rang evenings to say goodnight & again in mornings. We were up at 8am this morning & hes now in his room with loud music. The morning started with my bathroom being flooded & shampoo alll over the bathroom floor a whole bottle. I was answering the front door & the phone all at same time. So found it all when I went back upstairs. We came downstairs & he got cross because cornflakes fell out bowl wrongly & all over worktop & floor. So cereal bowl got smashed, managed to save the cup. So he stormed back to his room. The phone rang & I left it, but he got it & handed it to me continuning the verbal abuse. He hates me, loves his Daddy & we are getting Bl**dy in the convo to. My friend realised & said she would catch up later. He then knocked 4 of our dining rooms chair over to the floor. Hit the cage with rats in & stormed upstairs slammed door. I listened to more Verbal abuse & things being thrown. The music has now gone on. So shall leave him to it for bit. So made cuppa coffee & just sitting down before he comes back down.
This is just 2 things that have occured this week. Any tips on how we can make it easier for Mark, when Daddy has to go away to work?
A Sad Hayles right now :( x