Is it obsessive lying or real anxiety
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 10th August 2010
at 18:34
Hi Helena
This does sound like he is stressed about it. My son was diagnosed at just about the same age are your son (he is now 15) and he still complains of his tummy feeling funny and while he cannot say why or exactly what the feeling is, he has a look on his face that I have become used to which usually indicates that he is internalising something that is stressing him and making him anxious. With my son he just doesnt recognise this as worry or anxiety and if you asked if he was worried he would say "no" because he doesnt understand certain emotions.
Its probably going to be hard to get to the bottom of exactly what is worrying him, but it is just a case of covering all the bases. It might be worthwhile having a casual chat every day about going back to school and what he can expect and giving him options for any situation that might arise.
Did his school do any transition work with him before school broke up? Introducing him to his new teacher, showing him the new classroom he would be in etc? I think it's always important to do these little things; it wont remove all the stress but will go some way to helping your son understand what is going on.
It might also be worthwhile speaking to the school staff when the school goes back and letting them know what has been going on so that they can be proactive at settling him in and monitoring his stress levels.
Are there any provisions in place for him when he does get stressed in school? My son's primary set up a "circle of friends" for him and a room he could go to during breaks (he found unstructured times really difficult - lunch and playtime).
Josie - Community Champion
Posted by
Leanne
on 10th August 2010
at 18:51
Hi Helena,
I have a 15yr old step son who has been living with me for almost 4 years.. over these years he has lied constantly about anything and everything- it started the first day. When he lived with his Mom he lied and he got away with it and it became a learnt behaviour.
He will lie to avoid punishments, he will also lie as a control mechanism. Even though his lies always catch him up, he still continues. His Dad and I feel its short term gain winning over long term.. for him its easier to lie than to either think about something or take ownership of it.
None of this is helping you ..sorry.. the only way we have dealt with it is too remain calm (very hard when you know you are being lied to ) and make sure you have consistant consequences for his actions.. we have told him that the consequence will always be worse if he lies but because he always lies he never gets to see the benefit of telling the truth :(
As for not understanding what is going on in his body I have mixed feelings with this one. My step-son will say that he can't understand what his body is telling him however on several occassions he has demonstrated that he can. The older he gets the more convinced I am that he is much more switched on than he wants either myself or his Dad to think he is.
Sorry I couldn't give you any answers but I really do know how frustrating and upsetting it is to be lied to.
Leanne - Community Champion
Posted by
helenafox
on 11th August 2010
at 10:00
Thanks for your help Josie. I have another question for you. In your reply you said that your son's school allowed him to go into a room at lunch and play times. Towards the end of this last term my son was really struggling at lunch times and his class teacher allowed him to stay in but she said that she did not want to promote this as a permanent thing because she did not want to cut off the socialising opportunities. I don't know whats for the best, from what I am reading and learning, just by putting him in social situations all the time does not mean this will benefit him does it? Is it okay to allow him to avoid the situations, or if he is made to go out at playtime will he learn to cope with it better? Should I be pushing for the school to allow him to stay in whenever he wants to? whats the best for him? The school are trying to help us I believe, they made a transition book with photos of his new class and teacher etc for him to have over the holidays which we have been looking at every day. As he gets older it seems to be the changes that he is struggling with, I am absolutely dreading secondary school I just don't know how he is going to cope with that! Thanks for your advice, its so helpful to be able to talk to others who are in similar situations!
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 20th August 2010
at 18:27
Hi Helena
I am really sorry I missed this post and it has take so long for me to get back to you.
When Tom was in Primary he could not go to the room on his own; he had to take one friend with him and this is the best scenario for Tom and always has been. Now that he is in High School the room he goes to is a room specifically set up for kids who cant cope with the hustle and bustle of the unstructured times of the school day and so he is there with other kids who are also struggling and there are computers, gamestations etc and fully trained staff from the Learning Support Unit (which is attached to his school) are on hand to chat to them and unobtrusively help them to improve their socialising in these smaller groups.
I personally dont think it is productive to force a child to socialise in large groups when they are not ready to do so; I think, Helena, that you should go with your own instincts and if you think this is counterproductive for your son then you should calmly but firmly make your position clear to the school authorities. You could perhaps suggest a slow integration along the lines I have described above. My son's primary school staff selected his circle of friends very carefully and picked kids that were well behaved, showing good caring instincts (a mix of boys and girls). They did speak to these kids parents to explain the situation to them and have their permission to involve their kids in the circle. Some of these kids are still among the small group of kids that Tom "hangs about with" during the school breaks. They have become used to Tom's eccentric ways and his lack of social awareness and for the most part accept him as he is and this certainly helps Tom to manage his stress levels.
I think it's great that the school is doing a transition book with pictures; this is one thing Tom's primary school didnt do, but they did take him into the room he would be moving to and introduced him to the teacher.
Josie - Community Champion
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 20th August 2010
at 18:52
Hi Helena
A few more thoughts ..... does your son have a particular friend in school? Do you know any parents of other kids in the school, maybe one who lives nearby that you could work to foster a friendship between the kids. Maybe if your son had a friend in school that he could interact with at lunch and break the surrounding bustle will be filtered out when he is concentrating on chatting or playing with one particular friend.
Josie - Community Champion
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Posted by
helenafox
on 10th August 2010
at 18:10
Help!! I am going out of my mind, I don't know or understand what is going on with my son at the moment. He is 8 Years old, diagnosed last year with Aspergers. He attends mainstream school. His main issues are with noise and obviously social issues. The problem we have been having is for the last 6-8 weeks he has been constantly saying he is worried about different things, first it was about dying, then after a period of about 4 weeks, when asked about it he said he had been lying about those worries. We had a whole big talk about why lying was bad and that if he lied people would not believe him etc.....So now since we have broke up from school he has been obsessively saying he is worried about going into year 4, his new teacher etc. Initially I thought ok, this is him showing anxiety about all the changes, obviously going into a new class and the daily change of routine, it has got so bad that every 15 mins hes being telling me that he is trying not to worry about it, sometimes saying his tummy feels funny. I have been desperately trying to think of ways to alleviate this anxiety and its been worrying me how bad it is, even bursting out in tears most days. Then today I just got a sense that this outburst of tears was a bit false so I asked him if he was being truthful and after a big discussion he tells me he has been lying about it.
I don't understand if he doesn't understand what is going on, has it all really been a lie. When asked about it he says, no his tummy wasn't going funny but he could not give a reason for lying! I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice!
Helena