Tearful wobblies!

Hi Hayles,

Alistair cries very easily, for a long time he used it to get his own way especially with his dad (his dad hates to see him cry) - he would sit there and make himself cry and when it didn't work with me he would touch his tears and show me and when it still didn't work he would go and look in the mirror - almost as though he was just checking and trying to work why it wasn't having the desired effect.

We figured out quickly which ones were real and which weren't, so for a while now when he is putting it on we correct him usually telling him to stop and then ignoring him. People who do not know him so well think I am incredibly mean because he really does know how to cry effectively :)

We do not give him attention for doing it.

 Leanne - Community Champion

Hey Hayles

It sounds like you are really trying to get to grips with that wee man at the moment!  He is lucky to have sucha dedicated mummy!

Matthew is prone to the tears.  I did laugh Leanne at your description because Matthew does that too "mummy i'm crying"  "look mummy i'm crying".  (Usually when he is in trouble).  But he is also quite teary in general and sobs and sobs.  I find the quiet holding is the best way.  Matt often tires himself out and falls asleep.  When he was little he could do this for up to six hours!  Although usually its half an hour tops now.  I guess it makes sense that if they can get random anger they can also get random sadness.  Matt sometimes says he is crying cos Ziggy died (our dog that died three years ago when matt was a tiny tot).

Theoretically the important thing is that he cannot contain his own feelings and therefore you must do that for him.  So remaining nice and confident and calming is the important thing.  The idea would be not to show that you are also overwhelmed by his feelings, as this would increase anxiety.  The idea is to model that these sorts of feelings can be dealt with naturally and you are a safe person to do that for him.  The theory being that as he gets older he will model your behaviour and start to learn to deal with these feelings himself.  (See i did learn something in allthose years of SW training)

And as Josie says, best not to question at the time or be too direct about it, because they will assume that you know and it might blow your pretence of being in control if you fess up and say you dont know whats up.

Demi

HI Hayles,

Its so sad to hear your son is getting upset like this....Reading this thread, it really reminds me of my 12 year old daughter. She bursts into tears like this too (moreso when she hasnt taken her ADHD medication though).

The similarity that surprised me was about your son and how he questions about his Gramps. I am not saying that this is on anywhere near the same scale as loosing a loved one, but when my daughter lost her dog who she absolutely adored, she did something similar. It was about 2 years ago now and when she gets upset, she often says its because she misses her dog....I have often thought of it as one of her differences and she does struggle to recognise, name and talk about hers and others emotions so I wondered as this is the most upsetting event that has happened to her, if she feels a little down, this comes straight into her mind (like emotion linked to memory) and the original feeling is intensified...ie she bursts into tears recalling the emotion she felt at the time she lost her dog....does that make sense? There are times I know that there are events coming up, or things that have just happened that really do upset her, but when I ask what is wrong, she will say I am sad about my dog going....

What do you think? You mentioned talking to Mark wbout why Gramps died...I'd answer his questions as honestly as you feel he can cope with as its more than likely he will keep asking until he is satisfied he understands. It may help to make a picture book about Gramps, so you can tell him really positive stories about thier times together....you mentioned he hasnt got much memory of him, so this way, you could give him some lovely memories and it may help with his feeling of sadness.

I hope this helps a little.....take care :0)    

Claire - Community Champion