A little upset and angry
Posted by
Leanne
on 7th May 2010
at 17:16
Hi,I really feel for you.. bullying is unacceptable - I am speaking from personal experience with my middle NT son- leaving you to cope with it over the weekend is wrong.. surely she could have spoken with the class teacher.When I went through this I had the expectation that they would clamp down on the bully.. I was wrong. My child was made to be the problem and he was accused of being 'too sensitive'. Anyway.. I would suggest asking to see a copy of the school anti bullying policy.. the school may try to brush this under the carpet especially if the bully is a prolific bully.. my sons school did a 'circle thing' with my son, the bully and the bullies accomplices.. they encouraged my son to tell them how he felt etc.. this is apparently quite a common practice but it was the wrong thing for him.. it was him against 4 - I was not allowed there.Another thing that the school did that shocked me was that they refused to inform the parents of the children.. saying that the parents could not control their kids..All of the anti bullying sites say to always remain calm with the school, not to approach the child or other parents yourself.. to basically be submissive/not emotional and not get upset - unbelievably difficult and something I failed at. I would suggest looking up some of these sites to see what the current advice is.It would be nice to think that your childs school will address the bully and get them to alter their ways..however I would be prepared for your son to be the one to have to make allowances - maybe providing a space for him to go to during breaktimes or maybe having a mentor he can go to when the boys are being mean.Please let us know what happens.. I really do feel for you, when it happen with my son I was absolutely devastated. Take care :)Leanne - Community Champion
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 7th May 2010
at 17:35
Hi
That's really terrible and I know it's especially upsetting when it happens on a Friday. I would have thought, like Leanne, that the head teacher could have a been a bit more sympathetic to your position.
I have never had a problem with pupils bullying my sons (but I did have one with my daughter and it involved some pretty horrendous physical abuse and police involvement). I have, though had issues with a teacher "bullying" him and like yourself came up against a brick wall.
I tend now to arm my son with strategies for dealing with bullies or at least the ones that are being verbally abusive.
I know it will be difficult but as it is the weekend try not to dwell on it and enjoy the weekend and address it again with the school on Monday.
Josie - Community Champion
Posted by
Snowdrop
on 7th May 2010
at 22:09
Hi, I have just read your post and really feel for you and your son. I think a lot of schools think if they admit they have bullies in the school they are admitting in some way they are failing so they are reluctant to own up. I've heard so many people say that when their children are bullied the schools answer is to remove the bullied child from the classroom etc and not the bullies which I think is ridiculous. All schools seem to claim they have a zero tolerance policy on bullying but I just haven't found this to be the case. I absolutely understand how you feel about the Head not being concerned about it, I recently removed my son from his school but before I did I tried to address bullying issues with my sons head, she tried to tell me that the children laughing, pointing and calling my son names may have been doing it in a caring way!! I would keep insisting on meeting with the Head until they take your concerns seriously and tell you how they plan to deal with the issue. Please do let us know how you get on next week.
Tracy - Community Champion
Posted by
NickyB
on 8th May 2010
at 11:30
Hello :)
What a horrible situation for you.
The Advisory Centre for Education have some good advice on bullying. Here is a link to their website :ACE
If you feel that the head teacher is not taking it seriously, you can write to the board of governors at the school to voice your concerns.
Hope that helps :)
Nicky - Community Champion
Posted by
fletberjo
on 11th May 2010
at 10:21
Hi all.First of all thank you all for your repleys.
Heres an update on the situation.The headteacher called me in the office at the end of school yesterday.She told me how this whole bullying situation is a bit of a mystery.She had the two boys concerned in the office and asked them what had happened and the one lad didnt say a thing,where as the other lad said that my son Lewis looked sad so they were trying to cheer him up by saying silly things.
So then she called Lewis in the office and asked him what had happened and he said that they were being mean to him.Head asked him what they were saying and he couldnt say.She said she couldnt help if he wont tell her.
I said to her that Lewis can tend to take things literally and where as not telling her what was said he does struggle with communication and how to explain things,so he tends to say he cant fremember or he doesnt know just to get himself out of a conversation/situation.
So really im non the wiser and i really dont believe the boys story.The two boys concerned have now been seperated in class and kept away from Lewis,so what does that tell you.
Another concern i have now in gonna have to take up with the school is that Lewis had swimming yesterday and they get back about dinnertime.When he came home i helped to get him changed and all his underwear,socks and part of his shirt were soaking wet so he had been in soaking wet clothes all afternoon.
I did stress my concerns to the school senco about Lerwis getting changed after swimming and her answer to that was if he gerts his clothes wet one time he learn not to do it again.That was a couple of weeks ago and Lewis comes home in a terrible state yesterday.
Posted by
bumblebee
on 11th May 2010
at 10:40
Hi,
I can appreciate this must be distressing for you and Lewis and I have been having a think about how to help......Why dont you try to do a comic strip story with Lewis about what happened with the other boys and you could also do it with the wet clothes too. If you section a piece of A4 off into about 8 squares and start in the final square with the result - sort of what happened at the end of the incident....you can then work backwards from there...try and do speech bubbles and feelings bubbles so you can talk about the different things going on at each stage and then you can also help him work on what and where it went wrong. That way you can teach him what to try next time so he can learn to avoid the situation with the boys and also develop the skills to keep his clothes dry on swimming days....
One tip though, if he struggles with concepts, I'd avoid using before and after and use a more structured approach like giving him sentences to finish.....'and you said.....' and you did that because....?' 'and so they may have felt......?' etc...It will be harder for him to think about the story from the others point of view and his perception of what happened may not be accurate in terms of what happened but it is the exact reality of what happened as far as he is concerned so i would recognise and acknowledge that when he tells you and try and gently move him onto what you think the other boys may have been feeling etc....This way, he is more likely to listen to what you want to teach him and also try and learn from these negative expieriences...
It really is a good idea to help him develop these strategies because although it isnt fair that our children have to learn like this, if he isnt taught specifically what to do in these situations, he wont pick it up as he goes along and in reality, schools either wont, cant or dont know how to do things like this to help....You could also ask the school if he could have a buddy at unstructured times...maybe an older child or a prefect who can help him learn how to avoid and repair negative interactions with other children...but someone he can trust to be completely honest with him....he will need it to be blunt or it may not register with him....
If you need any more advice about the comic strip stories, or if there is a particular stage he gets very stuck on, we may be able to work on a social story to help with that part...
Claire - Community Champion
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 11th May 2010
at 12:12
Hi
Thought I would pop in here about the swimming bit. My son goes swimming quite often, in fact its where the respite carers take him every Thursday. Tom does not dry himself, not because he cant, but because he doesnt like the feel of towels on his skin, so sometimes he comes home in damp clothes. When he showers at home he either stands in the bathroom till the air dries him or puts on a dressing gown and walks about in that until he is dry. I know this doesnt help with your problem, but it might be the reason why it is happening and it might be worth trying to find out if this is the case and seeing if there is a towel that he can tolerate against his skin. The other thing it might be is that he just is getting organised quickly enough to get dried and dressed in the time limit set by the school and maybe they need to take that into account and maybe get him out of the pool a little earlier than the other kids.
Hope this helps.
Josie - Community Champion
Posted by
bumblebee
on 11th May 2010
at 14:26
Hi Josie,
I dont know why I didnt think of that because I dont even use towels myself! I have a towellike dressing gown that I put on when I get out of the shower....this is a good idea if this is what the problem is, although you may need to keep in mind that he could get embarrassed or upset about being different if all the other kids have towels.....either that or maybe taking him out to buy a towel and let him feel them all in the shop first to see if there is one he could tolerate on his skin...the other idea that he may not be organising himself very well, a visual timetable or a written list of instructions could help him sequence what to do and what order to do it in and may speed him up......does he have any problem with bath time or dressing himself at home?
Claire - Community Champion
Posted by
Leanne
on 11th May 2010
at 14:34
Hi
When my youngest was swimming with school I initially went with him and the changing rooms can be a nightmare.. there were typically maybe 2 teachers per 15ish kids to help get changed so the kids mostly were wet.(.I don't think teachers are actually allowed to dry the kids) not to mention clothes being left everywhere falling on the floor and being walked on. Is there anyway you could volunteer to go with your sons class on swimming day ...
Leanne - Community Champion
Posted by
Josie Barnshaw
on 11th May 2010
at 14:55
Hi Leanne
I should have thought of that one!!! That's exactly what I did when Tom was in primary; they were always on the lookout for escorts as there had to be a certain number of adults to kids ratio, so I frequently received the begging phone calls from the school secretary for swimming, library, bookshop trips, etc. Tom was not impressed if it was for his class, needless to say and there was no way he would let me help him get dried or dressed!!
Josie - Community Champion
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Posted by
fletberjo
on 7th May 2010
at 16:35
Hi All.
I went out and picked up my 8yr old lad from school this afternoon and whilst the teacher was letting the kids out from the class one of the boys from the class walked passed me and said he had been mean to him and another lad. So when Lewis came from class i asked him what had happened and he burst into tears saying these two lads had been picking on him today,he was breaking his heart.
I then went to see headmistress and she more or less said to me that threre was nothing she could do now and would investigate it on monday. I can understand that as its friday but she just didnt seemed concerned one little bit,and before i left i said to her that i just cant stand bullying and she just seemed to grunt at me.I felt i had to mention it to her as it would of played on my mind all weekend,but no doubt still will do.
These boys have been mentioned time and time again for trouble making and its just my worst fears coming true.